Boundary skirmishes have arisen lately in the Burg household. The main combatants are the resident four-year-old vs. everybody else. The issue: where do said four-year-old’s toys belong? He maintains – vocally and emphatically – that his toys’ proper place is wherever he leaves them. Underfoot. In the way.
The most recent iteration of this conflict – and it is a conflict – concerns his trains. His long and winding 35-car train lately likes to park on the patch of kitchen floor where Audora stands to do dishes or chop vegetables.
We tried reasoning with him about why he might find a different patch of floor a better place for his train yard. He did not – and still does not — agree.
So reasoning was over. It was time to draw a boundary: here is where your trains may park. Or rather, here is where your trains may not park. Period.
The clearly-delineated and consistently-enforced boundary has repeatedly drawn howls of protest. But the boundary remains. It is now up to him to come to accept it or face continued “time outs” in response to his demonstration of non-acceptance.
Boundary issues are easy to see with young children. But they are present in every relationship, from the casual acquaintanceship to intimate partnership. Little things like how close you stand to someone (the dreaded close-talker), or how personal or probing the topics of conversation (a.k.a. the busy-body), are both related to boundaries.
Most everyone can probably relate to the interpersonal mental and emotional exhaustion that accompanies prolonged interactions with a “boundary crasher” – someone who either does not recognize or refuses to honor appropriate boundaries in that relationship.
In that situation, energy is spent on “policing” the boundaries, assuming sole responsibility for maintaining and defending your own boundaries from another’s clueless or thoughtless incursions. Often, resentment rises and the relationship breaks down.
Within a marriage, there are two sets of boundaries: external and internal.
The external boundary is what defines and protects the marriage itself. Psychologist Shirley Glass, who was a leading expert on infidelity, taught in terms of walls and windows: a couple should maintain open windows with each other and keep solid privacy walls in place when relating to those outside the marriage.
“Wall” boundaries might include not complaining about your spouse to others or being careful with whom and how much you process relationship issues.
The windows, or internal boundaries, are those between the spouses and the outside world. In our marriage, a key “window” is leaving our cell phones accessible to the other. In doing that, we keep our daily lives open to each other rather than hidden or private.
Maintaining appropriate boundaries is not only an important marriage skill but a solid sign of respect for your marriage and your spouse.
James Burg, Ph.D., is an associate professor at Indiana University-Purdue, Fort Wayne. His wife, Audora, is a freelance writer. You may contact them at marriage@charter.net.
